I Hate You Too

Put your phone on speaker and hold it 4 inches from your ear.
You are not interesting and no one cares about your painfully stupid conversation. Don’t worry about eavesdroppers, because the speaker in your mobile phone is such a piece of shit that no one can understand a damn thing. Neither can you, because no longer have any sound isolation since it’s 4 inches from your head. The microphone is picking up so much ambient noise that the fool you’re talking to thinks you’re drowning in a river. This is why you’re now shouting into your phone. You can’t hear them, they can’t hear you, and you are annoying the fuck out of everyone around you. Good job, asshole.

Talking on your phone while trying to checkout at the register. (Best at a coffee shop.)
Your call is not important. If it was, you would step outside and take it rather than trying to talk to the cashier at the same time. Your fumbling around is holding up the line and wasting the time of everyone behind you. Not only are you a fucking idiot, but you’re about to get lynched by a mob of pissed off caffeine addicts. Get off the fucking phone, or get the fuck out of the line.

Let your ringer go off after you were clearly instructed to turn it off.
You don’t look cool, and you are not a rebel. You’re just that idiot who was too fucking stupid to follow basic instructions. Or perhaps you’re just too fucking stupid to operate your own cell phone. Either way, no one cares because you’re the fucking retard who just interrupted everyone and ruined the show. This is why everyone in the room is staring at you with that look.

Listen to music using your phone’s speaker, or using an MP3 ringtone.
You have terrible taste in music. Even worse, you purposely let it ring for a while so everyone could take notice. Even if it happened to be a good song, it’s been ruined by that squawking piece of shit. No one wants to hear that garbage, and you’re just advertising what a fucking moron you are. Turn that shit off before someone has to knock the sense into you.

Driving your car while on the phone.
You’re not as amazing a driver as you think you are. While you’re on the phone, you’re worse than a 4 foot tall asian grandma with 3 inch thick glasses. You are so distracted that you don’t even realize how terrible you are driving. You damn near killed 3 pedestrians, and you didn’t even know it. No, it’s not just other drivers. This applies to EVERYONE, especially you.

Each day Digg’s front page is loaded with rampant fanboyism, trivial top 10 lists, completely unfounded rumors and conspiracy theories, duplicate posts of old news, dozens of novice tutorials, headlines that give absolutely no information about what they link to, duplicate posts of old news, and duplicate posts of old new. Don’t like it? Time to move on.

To date there are a cumulative 305,549 diggs for headlines that contain the word “breaking”, a staggering 964,681 for the word “amazing”, and an embarrassing 5,668,946 diggs for headlines with “PICS”. Once a valuable resource, now just another spewing fountain of sensationalist jibberish. The site the early adopters embraced is now gone. What caused such a dramatic change?

A standard normal distribution, or bell curve, is a model that has been found to have great meaning in how it relates to many things found in nature, and the universe in general. The intelligence of the general population also follows this model, and this is how it relates to Digg. If this concept is foreign to you, this is where you should be.

In the early days of Digg, the focus was primarily science and technology. These are intellectually oriented topics. There are complete morons interested in every subject, but those subjects that are more intellectually challenging will appeal more to those who are capable of better understand them. Who would you guess has a higher IQ, someone who reads Discover Magazine every day, or someone who reads Weekly World News every day? In this gamble, my money is on the first guy.

Digg is user submitted, which means it naturally changes focus depending on what the average user is. Because the user base has grown so wide, it must encompass a larger segment of the population, and span a much greater range of IQs. We’ve seen a dramatic change in the subjects that reach the front page. The number of intellectual topics has declined heavily, while the number sensationalist topics is now the majority.

The Digg algorithm is slowly getting more mature, and the reality is becoming ever closer the ideal: A completely democratic system. This is the very reason Digg is beyond hope. The yellow region is the only region large enough to encompass the growing audience.

The yellow is the majority. These are the people that think Ubuntu is a gift from God. These are the people that are hopelessly amused by stupid cat pictures with dumb captions. These are the people that think they are good drivers while on the phone. These are the people that THINK they are in the green region. They are the majority, they don’t know any better, and they are in control. RIP Digg.

Last revised: 2008/03/18

By the age of 3 or 4, most are familiar with the concept of washing your hands after using the restroom. Sadly, many geeks have completely failed to grasp this basic hygienic concept.

I work for a sizable corporate entity based in the heart of the financial district of San Francisco. Being as such, I had assumed that my co-workers would employ hygiene standards above that of monkeys. I assumed wrong. The IT department being, by far, the worst offenders. I have personally witnessed several IT staff, as well as the IT department manager, leave the restroom without washing their hands. Not only after taking a piss, but after using the can as well.

Some also have an aiming problem with the urinal. Often there is piss all over the floor, piss on the wall, and even a puddle piss on top of the urinal. I don’t expect the restroom to smell like roses when I walk in, but it sometimes smells like a homeless guy died in one of the stalls.

Even more disgusting is that the IT staff spreads their filth all over the office. After they’re done grabbing their cock and petting their dingle berries, they roam around the office performing maintenance on user workstations. You never know when your computer has been worked on, or if your keyboard is covered with some moron’s hepatitis infected cock grease.

I took the liberty of trying to inform these idiots by posting an article above the urinal entitled “Why are men supposed to wash their hands after urination?“. Instead of taking the hint, it was promptly torn down by some stupid asshole who was offended.

I’ve written a new sign for the restroom, which is available for download below. If you also work in a place with monkey stupid morons, I encourage you to take action and put it in your own restroom.

How To Properly Use The Urinal
An instructional guide for morons
[JPG] [PDF]

Trapped in the Closet (TITC) is an urban opera, or “hip-hopera”, written and produced by R&B artist R. Kelly. This isn’t exactly a recent project, but it is still unfinished as of this writing. The first 12 chapters were first released in 2005 and 10 more released in 2007. I generally don’t listen to R&B music, because it’s garbage, but I happened to trip over this piece of shit accidentally while googling for the South Park episode by the same name.

The story starts out with a serious and intense tone, but quickly turns so cheesy that only a moron would be amused. An absurd amount of twists are thrown in, to the point that it’s desensitising. Stupid characters are thrown in, one after the other. Each being more ridiculous than the last. The characters include a gay pastor and his AIDS infected butt puppet, a belligerent lesbian couple, a stuttering pimp, and a fat chick who is banging a midget that pisses himself.

In the South Park episode, R. Kelly repeatedly pulls out his gun and starts waving it around like a mad man while threatening to shoot somebody. This is a completely accurate depiction of R. Kelly’s actual performance in TITC. R. Kelly is always confused with this dumb look on his face. When the situation gets even slightly intense R. Kelly handles it by flipping out, pulling out his gun and threatening to kill everyone.

The entire script is riddled with bad dialog and terribly flawed key scene elements. In chapter 4, R. Kelly rushes home suspecting his wife is cheating on him. When he arrives, he goes monkey stupid and forgets how to use a door knob. He decides to “sneak” in through the back door by bashing it in. I personally think that using a key is a much better way to sneak in than knocking down the door, but R. Kelly doesn’t. He finds his wife alone, and she convinces him she isn’t cheating. R. Kelly then begins to cry about how much he loves her. Then they start banging and R. Kelly can’t keep up with his woman and has to stop, even though she is on top and doing all the work. He then lifts the covers, for absolutely no reason, and coincidently finds a used condom in that exact spot.

It’s hard to believe that after spending so much time on it, this mindless drivel is the best that R. Kelly could come up with. It is obvious that R. Kelly was trying to show himself as being hardcore player, but his absurd writing and sub-par acting depict him instead as a profoundly ignorant, apeshit maniac who is terrible in bed. On the bright side, at least this is an improvement over his regular documentary films; hidden camera porn videos staring himself molesting and urinating on underage girls.

Geeks pay thousands of dollars and fly from all over the world to attend the annual Zend/PHP conference. To my dismay, my employer insisted that I attend ZendCon this year. These types of venues are generally a waste of time and contain a crowd I don’t particularly get along well with. I agreed to go since the ticket, and my time, were on their dime. Get out of the office and get lots of overtime? Hey, why not. Maybe I’ll learn something. Maybe it will even be fun…

Presentations
During the 4 days of the conference I attended a total of 21 presentations. Of these, I would only 5 were even bearable. The remaining 16 sessions I attended had little or no good information, or was presented in a manner that was laughably amateur.

Below are the 5 best presentations. When I say best, I mean best by ZendCon’s worthless standards. Be sure to bring a laptop or a book or something.

“The Internet is an Ogre: Finding Art in the Software Architecture” by Terry Chay
The presentation was mostly about Terry swearing a lot and showing stolen Shrek clips. Along the way he threw in a bunch of jokes that were almost funny, but not quite. Most of this presentation was worthless, but he did convey one very important point. Planning, code standards, security, documentation, etc. - all this is meaningless if you don’t have a working product. I’m not sure where “art” fits in this at all. In fact, it seems like he was proving the exact opposite - that art is a far second compared to business.

“High Performance PHP & MySQL Scaling Techniques” - Eli White
Eli shared some insight into the various scaling issues and solutions that are currently used at digg.com. Digg is a disgusting cesspool of fanboys and inaccurate sensationalist bullshit, but still a prime example of how PHP can be deployed in an effective manner. Many of the tips were nothing new or innovative, but he is a good enough presenter that he was able to keep it interesting a moving quickly. I didn’t take a lot of new knowledge with me from this presentation, but I did gather a few bits that got me thinking in new directions, and any presentation that can do that is worth attending.

“PHP Features You Didn’t Know Existed” - Eli White
I expected to be completely disappointed, as I was in the other presentations. I was pleasantly surprised to find that about half of the features he mentioned I had forgotten existed. Some of them are very useful. Also, Eli’s face twitches a lot on stage. I don’t know if this is because he has some kinda disability or just an allergy, but it’s kinda funny to watch.

“Great Software” - Joel Spolsky
Joel’s message is that people are shallow morons, so give them pretty shiny things and functionality comes second. Unfortunately, he is correct in this matter. His presentation was far from perfect. It was too long and would have been better if he had removed about half of the stupid jokes. Still, it was still the best of the show.

“Stay Free! How Open Source Affects Culture” - Cory Doctorow
I don’t remember much of what this presentation was about. It probably wasn’t all that great. I remember it was something about open source software. I also remember leaving about 15 minutes into it to get myself a muffin. That probably doesn’t sound very interesting, but by ZendCon standards that gets you in the top 5.

The most useless presentation was “PHP Diversity - PHP applications in a Heterogeneous IT Environment”. This turned out to be a presentation put out by a couple retards from Microsoft, showcasing the wondrous possibilities of PHP running on the infamous IIS. A complete bait and switch as “Diversity” was no where to be found.

People
The attendees of this technology convention are exactly what you would expect. There are no fake lightsabers or idiots dressed up like Klingons, but the people are largely the same. There were even official Zendcon trading cards with some crappy prize to who ever collected the most. Zend definitely knows their audience. I was surprised about how many of these geeks don’t know shit about PHP. I overheard two of these idiots jabbering after we had just got out of a particularly lousy presentation. These dumb fucks were fanatic about how great the presentation was, and one of them was raving about how it “opened my eyes to new possibilities and things I would have never thought of”. In reality, the presentation was absurdly basic crap. I’m talking Chapter 2 in any descent PHP book.

Most of these people are ugly, fat, stupid and annoying, but the worst part is the smell. It wasn’t so bad on Monday, but as the week went on, the geek stench got worse and worse. By Thursday the smell in some of the smaller convention rooms was terrible. Imagine a fat geek who eats a couple bags of McDonalds and pork rinds, then tries to sprint a mile. That’s the smell I’m talking about. I seriously don’t know what the fuck is wrong with these people, but they must think that it’s acceptable only bathe once a week.

Parties?
The evening reception was entitled “Happy Hour 2.0″. It was held in the “Exhibit Hall”, which is where the sponsors all setup their stupid booths that no one gives a shit about. The only way to get people to even go in there is to give away free alcohol. A bunch of drunken losers talking about geeky bullshit and companies trying to sell me their garbage. No thanks.

Yahoo sponsored a “PHP Nightclub”. Whom ever thought up that title needs to get punched in their mother fucking nuts. PHP is just a tool, like a wrench. Do mechanics have “Wrench Nightclubs”? Of course not, because that would be fucking stupid.

Hundreds of unbathed social retards with an open bar… It’s like something out of a bad B horror flick about drooling circus freaks.

Final Thoughts
Uninformative, boring and completely lacking in people worth interacting with. Would I go there next year if I had to pay for my own ticket? Hell no. Would I go next year if I got a free ticket? Hell no. Would I go next year if my company paid for the ticket and all the time I spend there? Possibly, but more likely I’ll just say I went and take a 4 day paid vacation.

Revenge Of The Nerds

The terms “geek” and “nerd” have been thrown around as more general terms, and in turn have lost a lot of their original meaning. Both geeks and nerds have several key elements which are common to both of them. This may be part of the reason their meanings are often exchanged. While the definitions are similar, they do have different meanings.

Similarities
Both often have a genuine interest in “left brain” subjects, such as math, science, computers and video games. Both usually possess average to above average intelligence. The single most important and defining similarity is social deficiency.

Key Differences
The main difference between the two are their main interests and hobbies. Nerds lean towards the more practical and educational. Geeks lean more towards those with higher entertainment value. A nerd activity would be computer programming, while the geek equivalent would be playing computer video games.

Conclusions
Geeks and nerds are clearly very different. To be called a geek or nerd is, most certainly, derogatory in nature. As far as the pecking order goes, nerds definitely have the upper hand since a geek is basically a nerd without the smarts.

It’s New Year’s eve in 2004. This idiot I knew gave me a bunch of tiny firecrackers. I don’t really care about firecrackers, but I took them anyway. I’d been sick, so around 11:45PM was at home. I decided to light one off. I’m thinking, where would be a safe place? Then I remember the guy said they would work under water. What better place to try this out than the toilet? The firecracker is tiny, so I’m thinking the worst that could happen is a little splash. I light one a drop it in, watching it sink slowly to the bottom of the tank. My thinking is, it will break at the point of least resistance, being the water’s surface, right? Completely wrong. I watch in amazement as the toilet explodes. The sides of the tank completely blow off on both sides. Water goes all over the place, filling up the bathroom and running out the door. Sorry, no pics of most of the disaster. In the horror of my flooded bathroom, hallway and exploded toilet, I didn’t even think to grab my camera.

My landlord is a complete cunt. If she finds out I exploded my toilet the deposit is gone, and maybe I’ll get an eviction notice while she’s at it. I have two options: Replace the toilet myself, or fix it somehow. The smart move would be to replace it, but that costs money, so we’re going with option 2.

	One of the little bastards that caused this disaster. Looks pretty harmless, doesn’t it?
	White marine grade epoxy paste should be able to hold this disaster together.
	There is no way to really cover up this mess and make it look good, so I’m not even going to worry about these small pieces. Just use lots of epoxy to fill up the gaps.
	Epoxy will cure faster if it’s warm, so I used a hair dryer for about 30 minutes.
	Problem 1: Lots of microscopic cracks are now present in the walls of the toilet surrounding the place where the hole used to be. These need to be plugged or it will leak all over the place. See the blue toilet crap leaking through?
	Problem 2: The epoxy in the bowl is stained from the blue toilet crap I put in there. I’ll need a way to cover this up or someone might investigate and discover that this toilet was once in many pieces.
	Covering the cracks with epoxy might work on the outside, but they get stained too easily on the inside as you can see from the last picture. A can of white hard enamel spray paint should be able to cover up stains, fill the cracks and give it a smoother appearance over all.
	After about 5 coats, it’s looking pretty good. And no more leaks!
	The blue marks in the bowl are completely covered.
	I noticed some blue on the inside, so I painted that too.
	Now the most important step. Wait until late one night when you know no one will be in the neighboring unit, then sneak in and swap your toilet with theirs.
	And there you have the final product. Good as new!

I made the mistake of letting this dipshit stay my place since he was going through some hard times. While I’m at work I connect remotely to my computer. In one window was some ugly, fat, half-naked, black bitch. In the other window was Mr. Dipshit, naked, with his dick in his hand. The last line on the screen was “Let me see your mess”.

When I got back that piece of shit was gone. Good thing because I was gonna kill that mother fucker. I cleaned all the surfaces, first with 409, then with rubbing alcohol, and finally I lit the alcohol on fire just to be sure. Here are a couple pics I snapped with my piece of shit digital camera. I took about 30 shots, but they were all blurry and these were the only few worth saving.

	My desk on fire.
	After a few more seconds the flames grew.
	My mouse on fire; the flames dying down.
	A very bad shot of my piece of shit chair. I had trouble putting this one out as there was a pool of alcohol on the seat. The chair melted pretty bad from this.

PENIX is an operating system, similar to Unix. It is the greatest OS ever created without question.

You can view the man page here: [local mirror] [original page]

UrbanDictionary.com has some other interesting definitions as well.