I Hate You Too

It’s New Year’s eve in 2004. This idiot I knew gave me a bunch of tiny firecrackers. I don’t really care about firecrackers, but I took them anyway. I’d been sick, so around 11:45PM was at home. I decided to light one off. I’m thinking, where would be a safe place? Then I remember the guy said they would work under water. What better place to try this out than the toilet? The firecracker is tiny, so I’m thinking the worst that could happen is a little splash. I light one a drop it in, watching it sink slowly to the bottom of the tank. My thinking is, it will break at the point of least resistance, being the water’s surface, right? Completely wrong. I watch in amazement as the toilet explodes. The sides of the tank completely blow off on both sides. Water goes all over the place, filling up the bathroom and running out the door. Sorry, no pics of most of the disaster. In the horror of my flooded bathroom, hallway and exploded toilet, I didn’t even think to grab my camera.

My landlord is a complete cunt. If she finds out I exploded my toilet the deposit is gone, and maybe I’ll get an eviction notice while she’s at it. I have two options: Replace the toilet myself, or fix it somehow. The smart move would be to replace it, but that costs money, so we’re going with option 2.

	One of the little bastards that caused this disaster. Looks pretty harmless, doesn’t it?
	White marine grade epoxy paste should be able to hold this disaster together.
	There is no way to really cover up this mess and make it look good, so I’m not even going to worry about these small pieces. Just use lots of epoxy to fill up the gaps.
	Epoxy will cure faster if it’s warm, so I used a hair dryer for about 30 minutes.
	Problem 1: Lots of microscopic cracks are now present in the walls of the toilet surrounding the place where the hole used to be. These need to be plugged or it will leak all over the place. See the blue toilet crap leaking through?
	Problem 2: The epoxy in the bowl is stained from the blue toilet crap I put in there. I’ll need a way to cover this up or someone might investigate and discover that this toilet was once in many pieces.
	Covering the cracks with epoxy might work on the outside, but they get stained too easily on the inside as you can see from the last picture. A can of white hard enamel spray paint should be able to cover up stains, fill the cracks and give it a smoother appearance over all.
	After about 5 coats, it’s looking pretty good. And no more leaks!
	The blue marks in the bowl are completely covered.
	I noticed some blue on the inside, so I painted that too.
	Now the most important step. Wait until late one night when you know no one will be in the neighboring unit, then sneak in and swap your toilet with theirs.
	And there you have the final product. Good as new!

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