Trapped in the Closet is dumb as shit, and so is anyone who likes it
Trapped in the Closet (TITC) is an urban opera, or “hip-hopera”, written and produced by R&B artist R. Kelly. This isn’t exactly a recent project, but it is still unfinished as of this writing. The first 12 chapters were first released in 2005 and 10 more released in 2007. I generally don’t listen to R&B music, because it’s garbage, but I happened to trip over this piece of shit accidentally while googling for the South Park episode by the same name.
The story starts out with a serious and intense tone, but quickly turns so cheesy that only a moron would be amused. An absurd amount of twists are thrown in, to the point that it’s desensitising. Stupid characters are thrown in, one after the other. Each being more ridiculous than the last. The characters include a gay pastor and his AIDS infected butt puppet, a belligerent lesbian couple, a stuttering pimp, and a fat chick who is banging a midget that pisses himself.
In the South Park episode, R. Kelly repeatedly pulls out his gun and starts waving it around like a mad man while threatening to shoot somebody. This is a completely accurate depiction of R. Kelly’s actual performance in TITC. R. Kelly is always confused with this dumb look on his face. When the situation gets even slightly intense R. Kelly handles it by flipping out, pulling out his gun and threatening to kill everyone.
The entire script is riddled with bad dialog and terribly flawed key scene elements. In chapter 4, R. Kelly rushes home suspecting his wife is cheating on him. When he arrives, he goes monkey stupid and forgets how to use a door knob. He decides to “sneak” in through the back door by bashing it in. I personally think that using a key is a much better way to sneak in than knocking down the door, but R. Kelly doesn’t. He finds his wife alone, and she convinces him she isn’t cheating. R. Kelly then begins to cry about how much he loves her. Then they start banging and R. Kelly can’t keep up with his woman and has to stop, even though she is on top and doing all the work. He then lifts the covers, for absolutely no reason, and coincidently finds a used condom in that exact spot.
It’s hard to believe that after spending so much time on it, this mindless drivel is the best that R. Kelly could come up with. It is obvious that R. Kelly was trying to show himself as being hardcore player, but his absurd writing and sub-par acting depict him instead as a profoundly ignorant, apeshit maniac who is terrible in bed. On the bright side, at least this is an improvement over his regular documentary films; hidden camera porn videos staring himself molesting and urinating on underage girls.
December 12th, 2007 at 3:09 pm
Yeah, it’s dumb. I watched the first 12 with a large group of friends and we enjoyed it for the apparently earnest travesty.
It’s almost on par with Showgirls, which now travels the country with a commentator who helps the audience appreciate just how bad it really is. That movie is hilarious with the right outlook.
Oh, and the Weird Al remake with animated video is a must-see.